This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

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This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby rogue0208 » Thu Jan 31, 2013 12:06 am

I have been out of work for 2 1/2 weeks. I have been having "episodes" that look and feel a lot like seizures, but we don't know for sure if they're seizures until I have my lovely 72 hour EEG this weekend (pictures will be sure to follow with me looking like a 1st generation Cylon). I can't drive. I was supposed to get paid today, but since I've been out, I only got paid $159. I feel out of control of my body. My fucking neurologist said it could be 1 of 3 things. 1. seizure disorder 2. fainting with convulsions caused by my extremely low blood pressure 3. Conversion disorder I have clinical anxiety, among other things. Conversion disorder is when your anxiety manifests in physical ways. I hope this won't offend anyone, but I call that "Fucking Crazy Cakes Disorder" and "My neurologist thinks I'm nutbar because I have clinical anxiety, so he doesn't really think these things are happening to me" which frankly, pisses me off. Because they are really happening. I know, I know, I've talked to my psychologist and she said that if it is that (and it's a remote possibility, because she knows my mental status better than anyone), that it's not crazy cakes and when anxiety does manifest itself in physical ways, it is really actually happening.

I had 2 episodes today. I have my EEG on Friday to Monday. I have my follow up with the neurologist next Friday (Happy fucking birthday to me). I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed. I'm depressed. I can't drive and I'm going insane. I need to get out of my house, I'm too much of an independent person for this. I need social contact and the most social contact I've had is Paul. Don't get me wrong, he's pretty amazing, but I need more people. I feel like these episodes are partially triggered by stress, so I've been rethinking my career. Tyler has been having a hard time in school. Alexia is a teenager and I feel like screaming at her and squeezing her tight at the same time.

Last night, I had a plan to drive my car into a bridge, in hopes that it would kill me. I didn't (obviously) and I came home and immediately told Paul and we immediately went to the dr. today. But those thoughts scare me. I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now. Pretty bleak. This isn't me and it sucks. And I know I'm spilling my heart to an online forum, but most of you are real life friends and I just want to talk.
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby Captain Obvious » Thu Jan 31, 2013 12:15 am

It could be several other things.

Are these petit mal (long spacey moments) or grand mal(full blown shaking) seizures?

Low blood sugar can cause these, and if there is no cause found, they will classify them as pseudo-seizures. I have been through the testing and have not had one in over 3 years. I'm sure you will be ok, just remember that some of us have actually gone through it and survived it. It sucks, but you are strong enough to beat this.
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby rogue0208 » Thu Jan 31, 2013 12:25 am

Neither. First I get a terrible migraine headache, then my left eye starts to twitch, then my eye starts to droop (almost stroke like). Everything gets REALLY bright and loud and I'm semi-conscious but can't really understand what is happening around me. I will often have some type of involuntary movement on my left side (hand will open and close) and then I pass out. From here, Paul says I convulse, but it's quick, about 10-20 seconds. When I come back around, I'm really confused again and don't remember much and have issues with word retrieval and language.

Might be blood sugar, although that's been checked ad nauseum and it's always fine. My blood pressure is typically very low (90/60, last week at the doctor it was 80/50), so the possibility remains that if my blood pressure drops even a bit, then my brain isn't getting blood flow or oxygen. blah, blah, blah.

I'm just frustrated and wallowing and need someone to kick my ass and not let me wallow.
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby Captain Obvious » Thu Jan 31, 2013 12:30 am

how long are you confused for afterwards, and do you hurt all over after you convulse?
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby rogue0208 » Thu Jan 31, 2013 1:31 am

Varies. anywhere from 5 minutes to 30 minutes. And not sore like I had a work out, but my whole body aches.

Dr. Feel Good in the house? :P
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby Scarlet » Thu Jan 31, 2013 1:32 am

Chose your Scarlet poison:

a) Concerned, but pragmatic.
b) Playful teasing.
c) Heartless Mega-cunt.
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby rogue0208 » Thu Jan 31, 2013 1:37 am

Scarlet wrote:Chose your Scarlet poison:

a) Concerned, but pragmatic.
b) Playful teasing.
c) Heartless Mega-cunt.


All of the above, but, for the laffies, c should probably occur in the FC.
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby Captain Obvious » Thu Jan 31, 2013 1:37 am

My seizures lasted a few minutes and I would be sore for a few days. Confusion always started about an hour beforehand and lasted the rest of the day most times. It sucked.

More like, Dr. Dipshit. :p
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby Scarlet » Thu Jan 31, 2013 1:57 am

Deal.

a) Please refer to our intercerebral communications via Droid and iPhone for this option.
b) See below.
rogue0208 wrote:I have been having "episodes" that look and feel a lot like seizures,

rogue0208 wrote:I feel out of control of my body.

rogue0208 wrote:My fucking neurologist said it could be 1 of 3 things.


A 4th option: Physical orgasms without the pleasure centers being activated. soxtalon, please confirm or deny similarity.

c) Linky. (Really dark, heartless humor).
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby rogue0208 » Thu Jan 31, 2013 2:02 am

My doctor (not the neuro, the doctor who prescribes my crazy pills) consulted with one of her co-workers and they gave me some information on temporal lobe epilepsy. Of course, they're not diagnosing because that's not their area of expertise, just offering info. My dad had TLE. Also, Tyler has epilepsy, but not TLE. It seems to fit, but I'm going to wait to see what the dr. says.

Scarlet, I'm on my way, heartless cuntress.
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby Viper » Thu Jan 31, 2013 2:15 am

I had a student have a seizure in class a few weeks ago. Freaked me the hell out. The way you describe your episode reminds me of what happened with her.

And anxiety is a bitch. I've had those drive a car into oncoming traffic thoughts before. When I was 15 I got hammered with the thought of going to the gun cabinet and getting a gun and shooting myself. It was the scariest week of my life because I didn't actually want to do it. So, I was consumed with just fighting that thought and it would go away.

Anxiety sucks. You get hung up on the weirdest thoughts and it can wreak havoc on your self esteem. I've battled it my whole life.

That being said, if you need anything I'm here.
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby soxtalon » Thu Jan 31, 2013 2:35 am

Scarlet wrote:A 4th option: Physical orgasms without the pleasure centers being activated. soxtalon, please confirm or deny similarity.


Not too far off honestly!
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby Calandria » Thu Jan 31, 2013 7:49 pm

mmmmmmm

the start reminds me of my eye migraine attacks. The world tends to get shiny. But none of the confusion for me there and no seizures.

I think you just might be short on good chocolates. PM me your address and I'll send you some ;) (along with a virtual kick in the ass to get you out of the wallowing self misery pity that makes the rest of us feel heartless and disgusted at the same time. But just like a train wreck... no one can look away.)

;)
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby Whispers » Fri Feb 01, 2013 4:07 am

In regards to your 'suicidal tendencies'.....Are you on any psychotropic meds or anything of the like for depression? Sometimes those drugs can cause that unfortunate side effect.
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby rogue0208 » Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:20 am

Willa, I'm on a med for migraines that is also an old antidepressant but it doesn't have a black box warning. Good thought though. Something I'll definitely have to keep in mind.
Cala, I've been unable to eat chocolate! It's how I know I'm really unwell. :P

For some laffies, here's the 1st gen cylon pic. :D
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby The Count » Sun Feb 03, 2013 9:12 am

Scarlet wrote:
c) Heartless Mega-cunt.


:x
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby Calandria » Sun Feb 03, 2013 9:48 am

Now that sucks! For me it's usually also quite a good indication of how I feel... I don't want to eat chocolate when it's offered, then it's probably a good idea to pack me off to the nearest doctor :P

Oh and... that halloween costume needs a bit of work. Maybe a bit of fake blood? :p
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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby Salty » Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:18 pm

I hope things get better for you Kimmie.

:x

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Re: This all kinda sucks (AKA my self pity party)

Postby SarkaVrae » Tue Feb 19, 2013 3:45 am

rogue0208 wrote:Willa, I'm on a med for migraines that is also an old antidepressant but it doesn't have a black box warning.


are you on Elavil (sp?)? I took that for 6 months straight & went from having migraines every couple of days to only every few months. it was amazing. my migraines came back as MUCH worse (with visual auras that I had never had before, unable to see, much more pain & sensitivity, etc) when i was working a job I hated that stressed me out & expected me to work crazy long hours. once i changed jobs, it got much better. so definitely consider your stress levels.

what did the testing reveal? any answers yet?

thinking of you!! :ymhug:
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